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Tears where streaming down my face and I was yelling like a lunatic “Where is the pencil sharpener?!?!” After a morning long fight of trying to find everyone’s school stuff and rushing against the clock my nerves where on whits end. Finally I looked at my confused children and informed them I was done. Walking out of our kitchen my mind was racing. Why couldn’t they put things back where they found them? Why am I the only one who seems to care that the laundry is backed up? How did I have children who were so disorganized and didn’t care? Why am I running myself ragged if they didn’t care at all? Where did my joy of serving my family go? Uncontrollable tears just came cascading down as I sat on my bed. I felt so alone. I knew that the only thing that could help me was talking to my Heavenly Father and I needed to be alone.
I prayed like I haven’t prayed in a long time. I felt the same way I had felt many years ago when my husband and I were on the verge of Spiritual warfare against each other. During that time I prayed for God to show me what I was doing wrong. I needed Him to show me how to fix this. I needed to know why was it I was coming unglued over a silly pencil sharpener. I needed comfort and I needed Him to listen to my mini pity party I was throwing.
After what seemed like 30 mins of crying and praying I heard the sweet voices of my children. Never had they seen their mother so unhinged and they were having a family meeting in the hall on how to fix it. My oldest spoke up and said “We did this, we broke mom because we are just bad.” My momma heart broke. They aren’t bad I thought. I am just trying too hard to make it all work.
Like a ton of bricks God gave me a glimpse into my day. In the morning as soon as my feet hit the floor I was running. Working on one task or another. Instead of greeting my children with hugs and kisses as they awoke I was carting them off to breakfast so that we could start our school day. Instead of spreading out our school day I was cramming all 4 kids in at one time. (All of which who are in different grade levels.) Instead of praising them for jobs well does I was cutting them short by constantly looking at the clock and trying to get them to hurry to the next task on our list. Instead of taking moments to play games and dress-up I was forcing them to constantly be on guard. They were loosing their joy because I was also loosing my joy. I had forgotten the bigger picture. The reason God called me to come home and to pull our oldest out of public school.
As I walked out of my room to find all my children sitting outside my bedroom door all I could do was cry once again. Not because I was upset but because I was sorry and humbled. They did care but they also needed me to allow myself grace. They knew that I needed that time to myself and they wanted me to have it. As I apologized and hugged each of my children it became apparent to me. I needed to allow not only them grace but myself.
We didn’t have to rush around to accomplish all the days task, sometimes plans change.
We didn’t need to cover every single subject every single day.
We didn’t have to always do things perfectly.
We didn’t have to do things the way every other homeschooling family does it, we needed to do what worked for us.
We didn’t only need to work together, we also needed to play together.
It wasn’t me against them It was us against the world.
My second oldest then gave me the biggest hug ever and in is little hand he held…..Our pencil sharpener. To which all I could do was laugh. Apparently he had went on a man hunt for this little sharpener because he was sure it would cure all of mom’s problems. What he did do was remind me that even though it doesn’t always seem like, they all do listen and they genuinely do care.
Often I talk about the fact that we need to extend grace to our children. Sometimes however we need to extend that same grace to ourselves. And when we forget to do so…..Our children will misplace the pencil sharpener to remind us.
Until Next Time Just Keep Soaring 4 Him,
I would like to invite you to my Facebook group Christian Homemakers in Training where we dive into homemaking, motherhood, marriage and group devotions. After all, we all need a safe place to grow together, right?